But You Know I Know [entries|friends|calendar] Rocky Racoon [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[09 Aug 2005|08:48pm] So I haven't updated in a while thought I might. Not much happening. I've been bored most this month and last month, nothing to do, same story. It is my own fault though, I could go hang out with people, but people like to start shit. And I don't like shit. So I choose not to be a part of it. I have interviews in Chico on Friday. I had a couple up here and they said they were interested in interviewing me further, so I'm ecstatic. If I get this job I get paid more, work better hours, wear more comfortable clothing, won't get yelled at for things that are a) out of my control or b) not applicable to me (like at meetings where they yell at everyone and I think I did something wrong until the end when one of my bosses goes, oh, it's okay we weren't talking to you--thanks for the heads up!). Plus the work environment is so calm. I could really do that :) Anyway...yeah. Like I said, not much. I was thinking about going to a family reunion but decided not to because I really didn't want to be away for 4 to 5 days and take that off work. I hate work. Blah, oh well. I'm gonna go now because I'm beginning to bore myself. 3 comments|post comment

[14 Jul 2005|03:36am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | "Michelle" the Beatles ] Yet another miserable night at the taco stand. However, with Ben taking card and keys (thank you, thank you, thank you) and Gennifer, our store manager, there most the night (yes, that is how you spell her name, not with a 'J') it was a fine night indeed, with essentially no worries until we realized that after we closed and took a 20 mintue ten we were behind schedule with a new closer. But with the miracle (the miracle being my experience combined with my high energy level) we managed to get everything done (some half-assed of course) -and- get out on time. Now enough about work bull shit. I think I have an ulcer or some kind of ailment because every time I ingest something, ranging from food to beverages and even water, I find myself wanting to throw up and in pain. I kept thinking only about four weeks ago and up until last week that I was worrying too much and that I wouldn't be surprised if I had a stress-induced ulcer. Now I think it is very likely that I do have one. Trouble being I'll get so hungry and have to eat, but it's fucking awful when it hits my stomach and I have to stop what I'm doing for a little bit. Well, I knew it was coming. I thought I'd find myself depressed by this time, at home, yet again by myself, but I seem to be rather content and promising myself to find a new line of happiness. Problem is I don't know what at the moment. I tend to get stuck in a sort of pickle. i have much to do, and am frightened to find, at the end of this month, my low bank account, especially since it wasn't below $1,100 for the longest time and after moving and the deposit and other shit I had to buy that I needed it didn't get below $450. However, by the time I'm done paying bills and starting up the last service that I need (not really a service, but a $30 fee for a mailbox key) and even after receiving my next check I will probably be down to something like $300 or so, and after that I still need to sign up for school and worry until my next pay on the 9th of August how I'm going to go about eating and driving (thanks gas prices!). If I could get assistance that would be awesome but I am not eligible for financial aid because I dropped all my classes last Spring and am on progress probation (it would have also been nice living in the dorms). But I have no right to bitch because it was my own doing that got myself here. And I should be grateful to my dad because he bought me this very laptop that I'm typing on to se for school, and if I don't go back to school he'll be disappointed in me, and I want to go, so I guess I'll have to be a little more careful with my finances to maintain good rental history, good credit with my bills, and not feel anxious about not paying up. I have to work at 2:00 tomorrow (or today technically) so I should hop in the shower soon and get to bed. I also have to set up an appointment, so there's more fish on my plate (I hate fish). Good night. post comment

Such a Drag [13 Jul 2005|04:18pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | "Kashmir" Led Zeppelin ] I have to go to work soon and I am not looking forward to it at all. If I have to take card and keys tonight I'll be so fucking miserable. But then again, when am I not when I'm there? I have about an hour before I have to leave, and I'll probably pro-long getting ready. Maybe not, I don't have anything better to do...except look things up on the internet =) I need to sign up for classes. Hopefully I can afford them. *sigh* post comment

Back Again [12 Jul 2005|08:51pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Bob Dylan "Subterranean Homesick Blues" ] Well, it's been 11 long months since I've written in here. I can't believe how the year has been. Last summer was a wonderful growing experience for me. Not to say that all of its events were wonderful, but there were definitely good things that came out of it... at least temporarily. I can't say that the year treated me well, but I learned a lot. Looking back at the last entries I put in here I am a little embarrassed but not regretful, which is why (although very tempted) I am not going to delete them. With that said... I'm not quite sure if I previously mentioned Chris in here, but he was a definite good part of last summer (can't exactly say the same for this summer, as well as the entirety of 2005). Why would I say that after all the deception and sickening surprises? Because he was part of my growing experience, and though I may never get to be his life-long lover, I really appreciate the friendship he offered and the wisedom he gave me. He was the person I could most confide in, and our relationship was a beautiful, exclusive (and a somewhat) phenomenom that surfaced through such a bad time for me. I had just gotten dumped, my reputation at work was going down hill, had my car taken away from me, and I felt like the only way tp escape it was through the use of alcohol and marijuana. But when Chris invited me over he taught me that I didn't need those things to escape all the ugliness. And that the next day was only going to be worse (and it always was). I remember after I had a one-night stand with my ex (Gary) after a drunken night I was very irrational. I saw him the next night at work and when he didn't say anything to me I asked him if he remembered what happened. His answer: no. So that night after he got off work I pleaded with him to come over (which was only across the street from Taco Bell) and talk with me. He would not. He said he had to go to his parents' house in McCloud that night and had to leave right away. 20 minutes later I went to buy cigarettes up the road only to discover Gary in front of Taco Bell talking with co-workers. He was in no hurry, but didn't want to talk to me. A day or two later at work I made a very smart decision. He came up to me and said, "So, you want to talk?" I said to him, "Well, obviously we don't need to because it wasn't important enough the other night," and I haven't spoken to him since. At that time I was distant from Chris. However, I went to him for comfort and he did not judge me. He simply said, "It happens," and listened to me and kept me sane. I was so sad, but so proud of myself for not calling him up and being a weak fool. Instead I found my consolation right next door, with a man who treated me so well, talked with me all night, 27 nights out of the month. I was so lucky to have someone always so inviting and always so honest who never tried to make a move on me or pull any shit. He made it clear that I could find happiness without a stereotypical lifestyle. I rather not tell the rest of the story (being after we dated and why we no longer do). But I think it's fair to say that once you get to know him, or spend enough time with him, he seems to get tired of you, and takes you for granted--something that I never did with him. I will, however, always love Chris. The Chris I used to know who assured me of his love, and that everything was going to be alright. And that's only a beginning of a long story. I won't bore anyone of anymore tonight, as I probably already did. I miss the internet a lot. post comment

Still My Heart Gently Weeps [16 Aug 2004|06:55pm] [ music | "Happiness is a Warm Gun" The Beatles ] "I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love." -George Harrison (This message goes to that greater mistake) The White Room Follow the room to the man with the cry The cry that longs for the dreams he wants, the dreams he needs, his dreams that please He excites himself with made up tales Where instruments play Where nights never day From the joyous world that gets boring To the tedious world that grows amusing within his anonymous mind He tries not to be angry; he tries to make a smile "Can't cry too much Try to make a smile" But when you enter the room his face is a tear And he tries to seclude it, then screams to himself, "try to seclude it!" He smears his tears as sobs shake his heart Laying hollow as voices echo through Cold disconsolate man He knows that you know the pain that is endless Can you feel it? I can too. Have you heard it? This story is true. post comment

Life's So Awful Sometimes [03 Jan 2004|08:15pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Beatles "Let it Be" ] What really *is* fair anymore? 1 comment|post comment

A Drizzling Day and a White Night [29 Dec 2003|03:10pm] And by white I mean snow. Yes, SNOW in Redding, California, of all places. It started snowing last night when the kid from across the street came over to ask if my little brother was home. Then it kept snowing and I decided that I wanted to go out and play in it. So I had a snowball fight with the kid from across the street (which he totally beat me, by the way) and because I'm so out of shape I couldn't really keep up, haha. Then Alli and Daniel got snowed in at Taco Bell-- with my car. And they didn't bring it back until about 10:30 in the morning. I was originally supposed to work 9 to 5 but the managers decided that the weather was too horrid to have anyone work, not to mention that we probably wouldn't have gotten many customers. Also, Redding doesn't have snow plows because it only snows once in a blue moon, so there is TONS of snow in the streets, as well as deep puddles of water and slush, so it was not unnatural to see someone stuck in the road. And there were trees and power lines down everywhere. Good thing I live in Palo Cedro and the snow didn't really effect us that bad. It's just been ridiculous. Amazing how something can be so fun at first and turn into a nightmare. Hope everyone is enjoying the weather more where they are, and are being cautious when the it turns bad. Happy Holidays =) post comment

Yes, I Stole These From Amanda Who Stole These From Someone Named Karmen [26 Dec 2003|11:46pm] And here we go: 1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before? Oh wow, where do I start? I got out of high school, received my license, had my first boyfriend... made some serious decisions that will affect me for the rest of my life. 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't make new year's resolutions. Never have and never will. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Um, well, my step sister did but we aren't really close. I hardly know her. 4. Did anyone close to you die? No, the last person was my Uncle Greg. That was in March of 2002 I believe. 5. What countries did you visit? I didn't go to any this year, unfortunately. I would have loved to visit Canada again. It's really neat up there (and the weather there is much more enjoyable!). Now, I won't get into the whole Florida fiasco, but BEWARE! No go southeast U.S.! 6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003? Being legal to leave this god forsaken place (in other words turn 18. I really can't wait any longer!). 7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 8th. My first Fire Theft show, and the first time I met Jeremy Enigk and the rest of the band. That was a really awesome experience, especially having a chance to see my Aunt Pam and her kids, and being able to meet Adrian. Yeah, that was cool. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Passing the proficiency exam; getting my driver's license. 9. What was your biggest failure? Um, let's not mention my first year in college... 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah, got the flu for the first time, then I got burnt at Taco Bell. A big, nasty one from red sauce. Had to get huge bandaids for it too (it's still healing). 11. What was the best thing you bought? Any and all of the CDs I listen to and cherish (i.e. Beatles, The Fire Theft). 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? MINE! 13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Hahahahaha... I just won't go there. 14. Where did most of your money go? Haha, Beatles' CDs. But it wasn't a bad thing, I listen to them all the time so they were -well- worth my money. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The Fire Theft's debut album, The Beatles (sorry, I keep going on with them). 16. What song will always remind you of 2003? "Uncle Mountain" by The Fire Theft. Actually probably any Fire Theft song. 17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? A little bit of both. I've discovered new things about myself, that has made me happier and sadder in more ways than one. I really couldn't determine. Some things are better, some things aren't, and some things I still need to work on. ii. thinner or fatter? Oh, probably about the same. I wish I could have kept the pounds off that I shed in the summer, but I don't really mind what I look like right now. I'm okay with it. iii. richer or poorer? A little bit of both, haha, if that makes any sense. 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I should have done much more studying. 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Working, so I could have done more studying. 20. How will you be spending Christmas? Christmas is over, and I spent it by myself. Christmas Eve is when I celebrated with my family though, so it's not like I didn't have a Christmas. 21. Did you fall in love in 2003? Sure did. Me and George are the sure thing ;) 22. How many one night stands? Lost count last week... actually I'm a virgin, so you do the math. 23. What was your favourite TV program? I was really into "Even Stevens". *sigh* That was an awesome show. Too bad it had to end. 24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I really can't hold hate against anyone. Really. 25. What was the best book you read? Haha, I don't think I even finished a book this year. Oh wait, I read "Daniel's Story". I think that's the only one. Shame on me. Oh well, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not much of a reader. I'd rather write. 26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Haha, the Beatles. Oh yeah. 27. What did you want and get? My first boyfriend. Didn't want it anymore after I got it though, haha. 28. What did you want and not get? Good grades, haha... I'm pathetic. *sigh* 29. What was your favourite film of this year? Well, I really liked "Pirates of the Caribbean", and well, I don't really know. A movie that I watched this year that didn't come out this year (it came out in 2001) was "Donnie Darko". I really enjoyed that movie. It's really awesome. 30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I worked and I turned the big 1 7. Yeah, big, right. 31. What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Getting good grades in school, not dropping so many of my classes. 32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003? Fresh off the floor! 33. What kept you sane? Sane? Haha. What a joke. 34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Either Nicole Kidman, Adrien Brody, or Johnny Depp. I also fancied Bill O'Reilly a lot. 35. What political issue stirred you the most? The recall election. 36. Who did you miss? No one (JUST KIDDING AMANDA! =) 37. Who was the best new person you met? Probably Pinar. She's been one of my best friends probably since summer. 38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003. That kids are some of the most frightening things and that I shouldn't have them because it's illegal to give 'em some good lickins' when they deserve 'em. 39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. All you need is love, love. Love is all you need. -Beatles There are probably a few other better choices, but that one is a good one nonetheless. post comment

One Holiday, Two Finals, and Three Beatles' CDs Later . . . [26 Dec 2003|08:26pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | The Church "Under the Milky Way Tonight" ] I am still alive! Yes, I survived. I'm a little disappointed about a few things, well, actually quite a few things, but I won't fret too much about them at the moment. Anyway, before yesterday I'd worked eight days in a row, and thank the gods for Christmas otherwise I more than likely would have worked ten days in a row. Woah is me. Just a few updates: >Mom moved in with Allan. >She and Allan asked me to move in with them and really sounded like they wanted me to at first. >Mom and Allan obviously don't want to me move in with them anymore but I could really care less because dad asked me about getting emancipated anyway, which is somehting I'm considering now. >Both my parents spent the most on me for Christmas but I feel as though neither one even want me around. >I kinda, sorta have a boyfriend and rumors are flying. >I have a car now. >I drove to Chico by myself last night and that helped me vent a lot of my frustration. I just want to get out of Redding. Seriously, once I have the chance I will be -gone-. I'm really sick of putting up with bullshit. Really. I truly don't think I can trust anyone anymore. In fact, I don't even think I will trust anyone anymore, and that's how it's going to be. post comment

[15 Dec 2003|09:47pm] [ music | Beatles "Baby You're a Rich Man" ] Could this day get any better for me? Oh wait, no. I have to study *sigh*. Did I mention that I'm in love? 3 comments|post comment

Insomnia [14 Dec 2003|02:30am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | The Beatles "Flying" ] Well, I guess I couldn't honestly call it insomnia. I've just slept since I got home (which was about 8:00) so I can't get back to sleep at the moment. Anyway, to pass the time, here's a long and awful story about how my self-destruction is ahead of schedule: Friday approx 3:30pm - Elizabeth walks by my room and I ask her when our History of Jazz and Rock final is. She tells me that it's at 8:00am on Tuesday morning. And I'm okay with that because our American Government final is on the 16th at 8:00am... oh wait, the 16th IS Tuesday! I thought it was Wednesday! So the only time before that that we could have a chance to take the final in AG is tomorrow at 1:00, and I have work at 11:30. Great. Friday approx 3:45pm - Call work and reschedule for 2:30. Friday approx 5:30pm - Start watching "Glory" for my film critique in AG (it's actually a very awesome movie, I highly recommend it). Friday approx 8:00pm - Finished watching "Glory" and have gone ot the store to pick up two four packs of Frappuccinos to help me pull an all-nighter. Friday approx 8:30pm - Get home from store and start typing film critique. Writers block hits for awhile, but once started it gets easier. Friday approx 11:00pm - Finish film critique. Talk to Elizabeth a bit. Decide to get up around 7:00am to study six very complex essay questions that I need to know (two random ones I will be answering at final). Go to bed. Saturday approx 12:30am - Been in bed for an hour and a half. Decide there's no sleeping so I get up to begin studying. Saturday approx 1:30am - On fourth Frappuccino. Hear voices in the hallway and at that point realize that I have just studied a bunch of nonesense. I am still only answering the first question and I can't imagine having to study five and a half more before 1:00. Feel like dying. Saturday approx 1:40am - Investigate the voices and talk to Allison for awhile. Tell her how apathetic I am to passing American Government. Start watching "Finding Nemo" with her. Saturday approx 3:30am - Back in my room attempting to study again. Feel like it's getting pointless then start procrastinating by getting on the internet and begin doing many pointless things. Saturday approx 5:00am - Begin talking to Pinar about how crazy I'm going and about how much coffee I have had. Tell her that I plan on staying up studying until my time comes to take the final. Then discuss that I have to go to work RIGHT after and think about what the odds are that I'll go in drive-thru, YET AGAIN. Saturday approx 8:00am - Elizabeth gets up and we talk about how unprepared we are for the final and that we can't study for the questions and pass in this amount of time. Try to get a hold of History of Jazz and Rock teacher, but fail in doing so. Can I go anymore insane? Saturday approx 8:15am - Get onto Ag website and see if we can make up the final. And within all my stress and tiredness Elizabeth finds that there are three, yes THREE seperate times that we can take the final on Tuesday. SAVED. Go to bed. Yeah, that's basically the timeline of how awful, painful, and pointless staying up Friday night was. I really thought I was going to go mad. And better yet, I thought I'd just end up turning in my film critique and skip out on the *25 percent* of my grade that this final is going to be. I'm still frightened, but I'm sure I'll be okay. Anyhow, to luck out even more I didn't even go into drive-thru at work. They finally taught me how to steam and I was just plain ecstatic. Talk about having someone up there who loves me. Anyway, I ought to get to bed because I have a long day ahead of myself to start studying-- er, cramming. I hope no one else out there has dug themselves into the awful hole that I have. 4 comments|post comment

Sometimes [10 Dec 2003|05:55pm] I'm just so sick of living here. 1 comment|post comment

If I Only Had a Car . . . [09 Dec 2003|12:33pm] [ mood | stressed ] If I had a car then I'd be somewhere else right now, in it, listening to something awesome, like "Abbey Road", and the guy down the street would hear it, and he'd be jealous of me ;) Well, that's not very likely, but if I did have a car right now I wouldn't be stressing over how I was going to get to work at 1:30 (I actually start work at 2:00 but since I live out in the boonies and the only decent job I can get is in Redding I have to drive 10 plus miles to get to work, thus having to leave 30 minutes early in case of some unforseen problem, like traffic or stupid people). Yesterday morning I had work at 10:00 and the only person at home that I could ask for a ride was Elizabeth, but didn't because I was scared of waking her, so I had to call my mom for a ride, and when she got here I only had five minutes left to get to work (I had actually called her one hour before I had work so none of it was my fault), but before my mom came home I had the worst anxiety attack ever because I hate being late for things or getting in trouble or letting someone down, especially when I have no control over it. I ended up being eight minutes late and had to clock on at 10:15. Well, I'd better see who else can give me a ride since my mom hasn't called me back. Wish me luck. 2 comments|post comment

On Being Ill [06 Dec 2003|04:53pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | The Beatles "Something" ] I've never contracted the flu virus in my entire life... until Thursday. I started getting a cough at work (which was an awful day btw, no thanks to the worst cumstomers ever that graced our drive-thru). The next day I woke up feeling extremely awful. My whole body ached and I could feel sinus pressure coming on. Then I decided that I should just sleep all day-- big mistake. My head was in tremendous pain from being in bed too long, and I was dehydrated so I felt really nauseated. I could barely walk to the bathroom. Then when I came out I told my mom that I was sick and she gave me some cold medicine, zinc, chewable vitamin C tablets, and some echinacea and goldenseal root. What I really needed, though, were some serious pain killers, like ibuprofen, which we were in short supply of (we had none, actually). So my mom went to the store and bought me some and also got me orange juice and chicken noodle soup. Then she took me over to her boyfriend's house and we watched television and ate soup together. That's probably the highlight of my sickness so far. Anyway, it's been pretty crazy, I've never felt this sick. I could hardly sleep last night because it was too hot under the covers, but too cold without them on. Then my ears kept popping and that made me extremely uncomfortable. Then when I actually got some sleep I'd start having strange dreams and sweat. It's basically hell. :( I became very frightened earlier when I had to get up and answer the phone because once I got out of the chair I started shivering like mad, and when I came out of the bathroom I started hyperventilating very heavily. I almost called my mom because I was so scared. This flu bug is awful. I hope it goes away real soon. >:( 2 comments|post comment

Work, Work, and a Little More Work [03 Dec 2003|05:24pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Sunny Day Real Estate "The Prophet" ] I hate to admit it, but Taco Bell rules my life. Not only have my last few recent crushes been because of Taco Bell (including 2 boyfriends, ugh) but all of my sisters work there. All I ever feel like I'm doing is working. For instance, yesterday I worked from 2:00pm to 10:00pm, then went home, went to bed and got up at 8:00am to get ready to go to work again (I started at 9:00). Then tomorrow I have work again from 11:30 to 6:00. It's really insane, but I need the money. I'm going to be in drive-thru tomorrow for a very long time, I know it. But the beauty of me leaving and coming back is that they had to train more people in drive so I don't have to do it all the time (like today I probably did it for a total of 3 and a half hours). Ugh. post comment

Can I Go to the BATHROOM? [28 Nov 2003|06:30pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | The Beatles "Across the Universe" ] Those were the first words said to me just as I was taking my two ten minute breaks. It was priceless. The two cutest little girls came up to me and asked me for bathroom tokens. It was adorable. Work wasn't too bad today. Thank goodness for Laura, not that I like her tremendously or anything because she really isn't very pleasant to work with, but now that she's back I probably won't be in drive-thru as much anymore. I actually might want to stay in drive-thru just because I know I can get orders out quickly and at the same time get recognition (plus that's where I want to be when the CER guy comes because I know I can do no wrong there). Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter. Anyway, I got to be on the line today, I mean, seriously MAKE FOOD. I know I can do it fairly well, I just need a little more practice. Pinar got me to take this quiz today: </a> The HP Male Marriage Quiz made by Sapphire. Yay! Snape's hot! Good thing. Well, hope everyone enjoyed Thanksgiving yesterday! I sure did =) post comment

A Lonely Moment. [26 Nov 2003|05:55pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | The Beatles "Something" ] I couldn't understand what it was about work today. It was insane. I was in drive-thru (of course) when we had a big rush and Monic was my O.T. but she was also the only person on register so I didn't have her to O.T. for me at that time. Well, as I was taking orders, collecting money, making small talk, making drinks, etc. while trying to get the food out within at least one minute, it dawned on me that I was loving the moment. Perhaps it's a new side of me, I don't know. Ever since I decided that I'd go back to Taco Bell I have forced myself to be as nice to customers as possible (with the exception of the people that come around late on weekends-- they are the ones you've really gotta avoid and be tough with). It feels way better to be good to people, no matter how hard it is. When I first began working there back in late August-early September, I wasn't very kind or welcoming to the customers. I mean, I guess it's not easy when you're new and frustrated and trying to juggle these things that you're not used to. But the thing about it is that you don't have to take it out on other people. It feels way better after you've been nice and you've done all you can to please someone else who has only had good intentions in the first place-- not make their day worse. So now I'm here and I'm just so sad. There's nothing to do, and really no one else to talk to. I was so happy at work. I really wish people there would give me recognition for all the hard work I do, but I guess it's fine. To be honest I'd rather them give it to the new people who are just learning and trying their hardest because I remember when I was new, no one ever gave me recognition then, now I get noticed every once and a while so I guess it's not really too bad a deal. I'm going to start giving CHAMPS cards to the new people who are working hard. But only if they don't complain a lot. I hate when people complain a lot. Alright, I'm going to try and find something to do, maybe help my dad with some things, who knows? Good night. post comment

"Hey Jude" [18 Nov 2003|07:12pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | The Beatles "Hey Jude" ] When I went to History of Jazz and Rock today we watched a documentary on the Beatles. In the documentary there was footage of them doing "Hey Jude". (If that is not one of the most beautiful songs on earth please feel free to shoot me.) So as I watched I went straight down; this over-bearing sadness swallowed me and, I just don't know, it's awful. If I listen to the song it kills me. It's so great, but it hurts because it reminded me tremendously of my Uncle Greg. He loved the Beatles and he knew his music so well. He's just one of those people that, when they die, you go, "No, it can't be true, it's gotta be a bad joke, it can't be real." I still can't come to terms with the fact that he's no longer alive. It's been a year and a half but it's still so difficult. He was the greatest uncle of all time, hands down. I remember that before we found out he was killed he and my dad were planning a vacation. It was finally going to be just our family and his. Then just a week after they had made the plans it was over. It was just so awful, remembering my dad on the phone to my grandmother and his sisters. There's nothing worse than remembering him that day. It's almost like I forgot he's human, when I saw him crying it was like a dream to me. I really thought it was an April Fools prank. I figure that when I'm older I'd really like to see my family a lot. I don't want to have to find out someone's dead and remember that it was years ago when we last spent time together. Life is so painful, it makes me wonder how people live. It's is so hard when you're sad. My Uncle Greg was genuine. 1 comment|post comment

Ugh [16 Nov 2003|01:59pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | Samiam "Cry Baby, Cry" ] Cleaning time. :/ 1 comment|post comment

As I Try to Breathe Life into My Dead-Cold Fingers [15 Nov 2003|02:17pm] [ mood | FROZEN, FROZEN, FROZEN! ] [ music | Sunny Day Real Estate "Waffle" ] It's so cold! I apologize for complaining about it so much but how can I not? *shivers* Okay, I'm trying to update but I can't. Writers block. *blink* Hope everyone is enjoying November so far! -Sarah post comment

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